This is a short piece of writing describing
my return to meditation following my diagnosis of cancer in August 2011. It was
written about a week ago between my seventh and eighth round of
chemotherapy, as “chemo brain” really started to kick in…
I feel the panicking as my breath parts
company in the tunnels of my body.
It is at once as subtle as the hour passing,
but with no chance ever to return.
It is hope, as love and hope, as the
diaphragm rises and falls. It just gives me hope, as the wonder of inhalation
and exhalation continues without any interruption.
I find it difficult, as I want to take over.
I want it all to work automatically, but I
have to lay my head to rest in hope and love.
I have the perseverance as the ups and
downs of my breath bring me comfort, as the minutes tick by. Can I persevere,
or can I not?
Yet the effort puts me in a universe of
comfort. As the medications release me, I have the knowingness as I release myself
from the FEAR. The instructions are clear about FEAR now. I have love and hope
As the heartstrings of my lover
restabilise me. I can have the moments as they are built up easily. And it is
so wonderful to find that the moments are a holy string of beads that are once
more strung and drawn together in tenderness and peace, as my universe wakes me
again and it all starts to make sense…AGAIN…